The Dude Abides

from outer space.  But not really, even though it’s a cool concept.  Yes, my adoring public, I am now back to the normal posting of my life, instead of continuing to dedicate a whole post for your education.  I’d apologize, but I’m above such nonsensical horse shit, so piss off.

Today, after being up late, as usual, I had to wake up around 7:30 so I could go look normal for a college brochure photo shoot.  A real fuckin’ chore it was too.  I mean, if you know what I look like, you know that I’m not a looker, or normal looking.  I’m a fucking telephone pole with limbs and a shnause, so normal damn near killed me.  But, I managed to pull it off, and afterwards spent the rest of my day doing nothing but playing Halo 3 and browsing the Internet.

This evening, after my sister and mother had left for a tee-ball game, I was left with the house to myself.  No, I didn’t go, because I just don’t feel the need to go watch pitiful baseball…or underaged girls….but mainly the baseball (just kidding, perverts are sick).  I enjoyed my aloneness, again, and I was happy.  I had no one to fuck around with me, or ask how I was doing.  Around sixish, I had started to get around for the practice that I would be attending, for a team that’s not mine, and for an all weekend tourney I’m none to big on playing in.  I was feeling a bit more down than usual, and pissed that I had to go to practice, when I get a text from my friend asking if I planned on going.  I responded, jokingly mind you, that I wished to be alone and in solitude.  Not totally untrue, but not my intentions all the same.  So, he texts me back with this smart ass comment.  “Not coming to the pre-game practice?  Smart.”  I wanted to shoot him, right in the fucking balls.  Big target, because it takes a pair to just throw shit out there like that.  Perhaps it was the combination of everything, and that just iced the fucking cake.  Either way, it pissed me off beyond my own belief.  I told him, in 160 characters or less, just how I felt about that.  Not too big on people guilt tripping me, or at least trying to,  in order for me to do something.  If you want me to do a favor for you, ask.  Odds are I’ll tell you no, but at least it won’t piss me off.  It’s fucking common courtesy to ask, not tell.  Asshole.

Anyways, that is only part of my anger I shall poison your children’s minds with.  Here’s the other part, and it’s quite the humorously fucking stupid story.

As you all pretty well know by now, I am depressed, slightly.  Yeah yeah, I stay up late and what not, it happens.   Would it not only stand to reason that if I stay up late and wake up early the next morning, a Sunday, perhaps, that I would be tired that day?  Any person with half a brain, no matter how big of a stupid fuck they may be, can tell you this is a common knowledge fact, or so I thought.

The other day, it just so happened to be a Saturday night Sunday morning, actually, I did in fact stay up late.  So, when Sunday morning came around, I was tired, as only logic would tell you.  Perhaps I wasn’t as fucking chipper and happy go lucky as the fucks that get up at the ass crack of dawn just to watch the sunrise, but at least I was there.  Anywho, I may have nodded off during the prayer.  Hey, it happens.  This, along with the other signs of me being tired, should lead right back to that same conclusion.  I was tired.  It should not, however, lead somebody to believe I need to be checked for leukemia.  Apparently, someone else believes otherwise.  Yes, a person in the church told my father that I needed a leukemia scan, if such a thing exists, to make sure I was healthy.  You could say he was leuk-warm on the idea.  For all of you who didn’t see that coming, enjoy it now.  For those of you who did, well, you’re less funny than that joke.  Anyways, my dad, being an intelligent being, maybe, acted with swiftness.  He told her to piss off, as any good and knowledgeable dad would do.  Except he didn’t.  He called my mom and asked what she thought about having me tested.  Really dad?  Really, you dumb ass hick bitch that started this?  Leukemia?  Do you understand what you’re saying?  For all that wonder, let me make this clear.  I AM TIRED.  I am not sick with leukemia, and have no intentions of being in the near or distant future.  Yeah, I’ve gone through a bit of a rough patch, but nothing to get that all up in arms about.  Fuck, I’m just naturally skinny.

It’s people like that, the dumb bitch, not my dad, that I wonder how they ever came to be?  What fucking sack of monkey shit did their ancestors evolve out of?  My God people.  I realize the humor in the situation, but it also frustrates me.  You can’t be depressed anymore without somebody claiming you have leukemia.  What’s next, herpes?  Fuck me, if I take a long enough shit, you going to ask me to get checked out for colon cancer?  Prostate health, what?  To you ignorant fucks who know nothing of what they speak, I hate you.  I really fucking hate you.  Please, shut your mouth, I can see the tobacco stains from here.  You’re welcome.

There, I am done with my ridiculously long paragraph over me having leukemia.  Ironically, a pretty funny word.  Leukemia….leukemia…leukemia.  Ha.  Anyways, everything else remains the same, and that blows.  Until next time America.  Take it easy.

The Dude

P.S.  I still love you.  (Happy Birthday)