The Dude Abides

Hello readers.  Glad to have you back.  And I’m sure you’re glad to be back.  Are you ready for me to call out some more bullshit?  Me too.  Ready?  Do you have your Don’t Have to Think Because Duder is Telling You caps on?  Good.  Then we shall be off to the land of truth, where discrimination is non-existent.  Everybody is welcome, except idiots.  Ha.  Anyways, be quiet, the post is about to start.

Recently, I was asked where I got the nerve to blog about the things I do.  How I could so easily pass judgement on people and their actions.  This person, who shall remain anonymous and stupid, then had the nutsack, not an indicator of gender, big enough to throw scripture in my face.  They quoted Matthew 7:2, which goes something along these lines.  “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (New International Version, copyright 1984)  I told them that I thought they were a little less than a complete fucking moron, at least in my judgement.  They didn’t get the joke, not suprisingly, and left me alone, where I want to be.

Here’s the deal.  They’re right on when they toss the Bible around like that.  Perhaps not morally correct and a little ironic that they were trying to judge me by using the Bible, but right on all the same.  However, they’re preaching to the choir.  I know I’m not impartial.  I know I’m judgemental.  But, fuckin’ hell, somebody has to be.  If nobody were judgemental, nobody would call out the bullshit they knowingly see.  Am I impartial?  Hardly.  But I’d bet you damn near anything that I have a valid point, and am probably fucking right, and that you’re just an idiot.

Where do I have the nerve to do this?  Why am I allowed to pass judgement?  Well, in all fairness, I’m probably not.  But, let me give my reasoning, which is adequate, as to why I have this ability.  It deals with my past.  I have a Masters in Fucked Up Arts.  This is the essence of my being, of why I hate you idiots out there.

It begins around age sixteen.  I’m fucking stupid, like many of you out there.  I think the world revolves around me.  No, that wouldn’t come for another two years, which brings me to now.  Anyways, as I was saying, age sixteen.  It was this age that I began to realize things.  I realized that the world is not perfect, perhaps a bit late.  I began noticing patterns.  Patterns my father had.  Patterns like staying out till 3 AM on the weekends.  Patterns like not going to church after one of those days.  Patterns.  I found out that my dad was an alcoholic.  Perhaps not a big deal for many.  But, to a stupid fuck like me who was under the impression HIS family didn’t carry any baggage, it was a big fucking deal.  Fuck me over if I was only at the tip of the ice berg.

Around March of that year, I had another suprise.  I found out that, under the worst possible scenario, my mom had had a daughter around eighteen years back, and had given it up for adoption.  We met her a couple of weeks later.  The world I knew was coming down around me, and everything I had known as normal wasn’t there anymore.

Another few weeks passed, and I happen upon the Dish Network bill.  Porn, and a fuck load of it.  Now, being a teenage boy, I was pretty fucking horny, but not so much as to pay money for it.  Damn.  No, that award would go, again, to my father.  Alcoholic, porn addict.  Hey, pretty normal, right?  Two strikes against my one time role model.

Then, after a few more months of dealing with all of this shit, everything went even more to fuck.  I learned, one day, that my dad had done some things not given permission to him to do.  I won’t go into details, but you should get the fucking concept.  The man I tried to model myself after, and this is how he behaves.  My world, shattered, torn down, and blown up.  Everything I believed in was shaken.  Nothing seemed right.  My parents separated on these obviously differing philosophies.  All of this given to me in about a year’s span.  It’s a much better deal now, and everybody, for the most part, is in a happier place.  I, for obvious reasons, switched role models.  My mom, the clear choice, is at the forefront of everything I do.  Second only to God.  Her ability to cope and deal with shit makes her, hands down, the strongest person I know.  Mom, if you read this, I fucking love you with all of my heart.  Now how about those quesadillas?

After all of that, I kind of went into an out of control downward spiral.  I met this chick that I dated all the way through all of that.  I did some stuff, physically speaking (but never went all the way, just so we’re clear) that I probably shouldn’t have, even though I have no regrets, just to feel like I was normal.  I thought I loved her, and at one time I did, but only fleetingly.  It ended awfully, and everything went to shit.  It was a gloriously hideous breakup.  I enjoyed it much.  That I refer to as my almost out of control phase, and that was me trying my damndest to be stupid again.

But, as much as I tried, it couldn’t happen.  I could never go back to being that guy who knew life to be perfect.  I found it flawed, ugly, and quite frankly, a bullshit deal.  My thinking was, “You go through all this pain, all this hurt, and then you die.  What the fuck is up with that?”  I found it all to be a bad fucking joke.

And then I found her.  She was the girl that was always right there, the one that was a great friend, and the person I never thought about giving any thought further than that to.  But, I realized, in a moment of clairty that, perhaps, it could work.  It did, and my opinion of everything began changing.  I saw what a great life could be.  I became a better person, and I started going back to church.  I found out what true happiness was.  I wanted nothing of what I had before, because I had all I ever wanted with me.  I found the real fucking meaning of love, and I fell head over fucking heals into it.  I didn’t want to admit it, although I knew it for a long time.  I tried my damndest to deny it.  It didn’t matter.  I was no longer so fucking bitter at the ass hand life had previously dealt me, because this time around it had dealt me a royal fucking flush.  Perhaps it’s selfish to think of her like that, but that’s how it was.  I always had her.  Even if things were shitty, nine in the evening would come, and my life would always take a turn for the more glorious.  I was at the highest point in my life, and I never thought I would come down…

And that was stupid on my part.  After all I had gone through, I let her become my out.  She was my way out of the fuckery that was my life.  And that was stupid.  I shouldn’t have ever put her into that position.  Please, don’t misinterpret, I really did, and still do, love her.  I just allowed myself to think that nothing bad could ever touch me anymore.  Life, however, has a sickening way of coming full circle.

Two weeks ago, it ended.  After thirteen months of being together, she thought it best for us to part ways.  In a matter of minutes, everything was over and done with, but everything also came back.  All the bleakness, all the crap that was my life, was back.  It stared at me, laughing.  It asked, “did you really believe we were gone?”  Heartbreak, depression, hurt.  It was all there again, and once again I seem to be the recipient of these feelings.  Fuck, listen to me.  I sound so pathetic.  Please, as much as it seems the contrary, this is not me wanting sympathy.  Ugh, I fucking despise that.  This isn’t a fucking pity party, so piss off.  Now, moving on.

You learn things very fucking fast when your world crashes around you.  You learn even faster when it happens twice.  You learn that people, no matter how close, will always fuck you over one way or another.  You learn that love, no matter how much you want it to work, probably won’t.  And finally, you learn that life isn’t much more than a bunch of shit with a few momentary highs here and there.

Now that, in summary, is why I feel the need to judge people and situations.  I’ve seen more fucked up shit in a couple of years than I would wish on anybody.  Perhaps fucked up is all perspective though.  I’m sure there are people out there who have had it worse, but they obvisously don’t have blogs.  So the next time you feel the need to throw the Good Book in my face, I beg you to oblige me for a second.  I’ll turn to Exodus and show you the Ten Commandments.  Do you know what else?  I’ll do you the favor of pointing out how many commandments I’ve seen broken, and broken myself.  Finally, I’ll show you the people around me hurt by the assholes, (assholes even includes me!), that broke them.  Judge people?  Get on your knees and fucking blow me.  I will judge, you will read, and you will fucking love it.  Now shut your fucking mouth, your breath stinks almost as bad as the shit you think up.  You’re welcome.

That does it for me.  Now, go back to your normal routines.  Can you?  Perhaps, perhaps not.  I know I can, because this…this education, it’s what I do.  Until next time America.  Take it easy.

The Dude

P.S.  I still love you.