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Hello again readers. Right now you are probably dropping dead from shock. Two posts within a couple weeks of each other? I know, I’m a bit surprised myself. I’m not really angry, not that I was in my last blog. Although some may consider that was me being angry, I think I would consider it “pointed.” Regardless, I have no intentions of pointing out how stupid and ignorant a certain person is, at least starting now. No, no, this post is exactly about what my title implies. Also, I am attempting something different this evening. I’m going to try blogging with music going. Normally this is a major block, but I refuse to give up my Jim Croce binge for a measly blog post. Bear with me, and here we go.
First, the rejuvenation. As you may well know, I have enrolled in college to pursue a career in acting. For quite some time, I was very ‘meh’ about it all. My classes have been so monotonous that there wasn’t really anything getting through. Lecture, lecture, assignment, lecture. It’s annoying. But today was the first time I actually had the opportunity to ‘act’ in class. Granted, it was only two one-minute skits, but it was an enzyme to my lethargy. I remembered exactly why I loved doing what I’m studying. The rush, the idea of entertaining others, and yes, the attention. If that’s vain, fine, I can just attribute it to being an actor. Kidding, of course, but I really like knowing that people are getting satisfaction from my acting. It will give me enough of a high to keep me going until the next time I get to perform, whenever that is.
(A pause to let you know that I, again could not finish this in one sitting. The forthcoming part was typed almost two weeks after the former.)
It has been only with a great amount of effort and mental wrestling that I tackle this next subject. I have pondered it numerous times, but until now I did not think I could properly do it justice. Personally, I doubt even now that I will, but I’m feeling sprightly this evening.
I have examined, at great length, my current state of being in comparison with my previous state. I haven’t realized until awhile ago just how happy I am. It’s tough for me, writing about being happy. Misery is so much easier because it’s kind of a cop out. It’s easy to vent, it’s not easy to explain happiness without coming off looking like a snarky douche, but I shall try.
I still stick wholeheartedly to the statement that lost love is a more powerful emotion than love. I know this to be true, which may sound contradictory to my whole happy schpeel, but bear with me. I am quite certain I’m in love, again. I’m very high on positive emotion, and it’s a great ride. I know, though, that were I ever to have this emotion taken from me, what would fill the void would hurt exponentially more than the good it did me. I don’t know if that’s a particularly healthy way to gauge how happy you are, but it’s the only terms I can put it in to explain it to myself. I understand how much I love her based on the fact that were I to lose all of this, it would kill me more than the happiness it has brought. Hmm. Odd.
I was obviously slightly fogged by my emotion of bitterness and cynicism back then, and I know I wasn’t the greatest person to be around. I think, for the most part, I have reconciled that. I act happier because I am happier. I wake up knowing that I have another half (this is getting cheesy), and that my ivory tower has been scaled, invaded, and toppled (albeit only a few floors of toppling). I’m tempered a bit, and my tongue has become a lot less sharp, generally speaking. I reserve the incredibly shrewd for when it needs to be done. (Most of my readers may be able to pull a few recent references of this.) I am more social, not entirely by choice mind you, but I think it has done me some good. If nothing else, I get to meet more people to bitch about. I find that even though I’m incredibly happy, my distaste for people in general remains very strongly. More on that in a bit.
It is very, very tempting to compare relationships and amounts of happiness, but that wouldn’t be fair at all. Too many extraneous factors and circumstances that are beyond human control prevent any reasonably fair comparison to be made. Maturity, age, distance, etc. all are vastly different and not something that would make for a….Okay, let’s just stop there. I’m trying to level it out in my mind, and I don’t want to. I want to go with the notion that I am soaringly content, in regards to the here, now, and the recent past. To say this once and for all on this blog, I love you, Morgan. Ah, relieving. Now, let’s revisit my dislike of people.
Well, not complete distaste as it is so much a completely different wavelength. My mind runs on a very different plane than most folks. That sounds snooty, doesn’t it? It isn’t meant to be. Jamaal, Allen, Garic, and Drew (kind of) all have the same wiring, more or less. It’s off the beaten path, even for somebody into Theatre. I find that my sense of humor is not like many people’s. I cannot quite explain it properly. How I tell a story within my circle of close friends seems to work only for them. Outside of that, people don’t seem to get the ridiculousness of the situation. I think it is because only we perceive the situations to be odd. A solid example is that of my ex-ex lady friend, the one that I refer to as crazy. Mountains of stories abound in regards to her, and each is as humorous as it is asinine. If it wasn’t first hand accounts, I’d have to say most of it was fictional. In any case, the little group has had countless hours of laughs at my expense, as have I. These conversations invariably lead into odder and stranger scenarios, causing more laughs. However, when I recount these same tales, and others, to the folks around me, it’s like I’m just ‘meh/courtesy laugh.’ I’m not offended, I just don’t get it. How can a select few find something raucously funny, but nobody else? Silly question, I realize. I could say they just don’t ‘get’ it, but that’s douchey. My very dry, but somehow outlandish, sense of humor is not the norm. Oh well, I refuse to give in to Will Ferrell and that nonsense. I’m rambling, let’s wrap it up.
This has been a shitty post. I know, bite me. I am tired, and my apathy and need to express overrode the quest for quality. This is what you get. Until next time America. Take it easy, and peace.
The Dude
P.S. If yourself sucks, change it.
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