The Dude Abides

You Can Keep the Dime.

Good evening, my cult of readers.  I now instruct you to drink the Flavor-Aid.  Psh, I wish I had that kind of power.  Who wouldn’t want that kind of massive influence?  Lot of responsibility, though.  Almost too much for a lazy man like myself.  Come to think of it, I don’t want your damned power.  Why did you thrust this upon me?  What cruel fate hath given me this burden of illustrious persuasion?…And scene.  See that?  That was my incredible acting.  I will take this one bit to pat myself on the back for getting into the BFA Acting program at the college of my choosing.  I’m one step closer to being an out of work actor.  Let’s move on, now, before my ego gets too big.

There is always a trade-off.  Always.  For me, writing is the product of anger, pain, misery, or general annoyance.  Happiness negates this.  I’m a willing participant in the latter, so I accept the lack of the former with a smile.  But, at least for tonight, I’m temporarily re-visiting the annoyed realm for the sake of catharsis.  I figure I can work out what I’m thinking and feeling if I write it down, at the cost of a night’s sleep.  What’s one more night?

Continuing the theme of trade-offs, my life.  Because of my career choice, I’m gone from home.  It’s taken a toll on everybody involved, and I know I’m to blame.  I have always been sort of the mediator within my family, and been the person to talk/vent to for my brother, and more currently my lady-friend.  So my brother is going through some pretty bumming stuff, and all he can do is text me.  It sucks, because I went through the same things two years ago.  And I cannot be there for the person that probably looks up to me more than anybody.  It isn’t fair to him.  He willingly watched me for the year and half of my wretchedness, listening whenever I cared to use him as an out, kept up on all my posts, and was just there in general.  To not be able to return the favor, at the very least, it kills me.  I am sorry.

Also, I know that others have suffered.  I’m not as good of a friend I could be, I’m never home, and I’m always doing something.  I know, I know.  It sucks, I hate it.

And it seems it has taken the biggest toll on the lady-friend.  Not that this was entirely unexpected.  Underestimated, perhaps, but I fully realized the strain I was putting on us.  I moved forward because I was that confident in us.  As Hunter S. Thompson said, “Our energy would simply prevail.”  We just click.  To blather on just allows for terrible hyperbole, but really, it fits.  We’re a match, in my eyes.  Whatever pushed me to pursue her last December was clearly the enzyme for what, if clearer heads prevail, should be the remainder of my time upon this planet.  And now it gets sketchy.

The distance has manifested itself in the form of heightened insecurity on her part.  For the record, I’d like to point to my record of having never cheated as proof that this insecurity is ill-placed.  Regardless, I have been patient, telling her over and over and over that there is nothing to worry about.  This hiccup of a few years is nothing, relatively speaking.  And yes, it sucks that I cannot be there to comfort her at every turn, but at the same time, I don’t think I should have to walk on eggshells in order to maintain her fragile demeanor.  This is like accepting her insecurities as valid, rather than quelling them once and for all.  For instance, I had homework tonight.  This being the case, I told her that I probably couldn’t talk to her on the phone tonight.  She then responds by asking, “Why don’t you want to talk to me?”  (Insert face-palm here.)  So I shot off a response about how anytime I couldn’t talk she seemed to take it like I didn’t want to talk to her or that I hated everything and everybody and all that jazz.  Simply put, I snapped a little.  I realize that, but again, it’s frustrating to have to constantly gauge what I say in order to keep the peace.  I am not there, it sucks, but you’re not the only one dealing with that.  Figure out that I’m not going anywhere.  I need nothing but to love you.  Really, I’m good.  This is why it seems like I’m dealing so easily.  Believe me, I know the feeling of lonely nights pretty well.  At the end of the day, though, I know that at some point this will all be over and done with.  And everything will be hunky-dory.  I am determined to get us through all of this nonsense.  Constantly stressing about me not talking is unhealthy, and unwarranted.  Throw what you think you know about relationships away, because that isn’t who I am.  I am everything that is opposite of your past.  I am me.

So I’ll probably catch some flak for that bit of popping off.  Oh well, I’m done treading lightly.  I’ve steeled my words long enough.  Here’s to a decent rant.  Here’s to the inevitable response.  Here’s to love and change.  Love is the change.

That just about does it for me tonight.  As far as anything else interesting, all I have is SKYRIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  *Said casually* It’s okay, I suppose.  *Real reaction* Dear sweet holy figure I do quests like heroin.  I snort monsters and the Assassin’s Guild like cocaine.  And any other drug-game references you prefer.  Basically, it’s pretty sweet.  Beautiful scenery, huge map, and what looks to be an almost limitless amount of side-quests.

Alright, I am really going to go this time.  I have nothing more to say to you peasants.  Just kidding, thanks for reading.  ”Thank you for your time, you’ve been so much more than kind.  You can keep the dime.”  Until next time America.  Take it easy, and peace.

The Dude

P.S.  I have a serious Jim Croce addiction.

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